Letting Go

There is a man I have known since the day I was born who I have shed many tears over. Someone who I long to have some affection and attention from. Someone who I believe should care about me and be interested in my life, but who is not. And I think that these tears over all these years are all wasted because he doesn’t know that I even cry for him. And the only way it seems to get on with my life is to forget him entirely because every interaction with him is only a reminder of the fact that he has never really seemed to have space in his life for me. However, in order to forget him entirely, I have to give up all hope that he will ever be there and I haven’t been able to do that just yet. In the past, whenever I was ready to just completely say goodbye forever, he would say or do something that would cause me to feel as though there is some hope. But the truth is, I am 32 years old, and my father will never really be a DAD and my father will never really know how many times he has broken my heart and how many tears have fallen for him. I remember, when I was a little girl, I waited in the window for hours for his car to come around the corner and pull into my driveway. And I knew he would come because he told me he would and Dads don’t lie. And when it was time for supper and he hadn’t arrived, my mom would tell me that he isn’t coming, but I didn’t believe it. But it was true and I cannot continue to be stuck sitting at the window waiting for those headlights to come around the corner. I need to get up and close the blinds and walk away. I have two wonderful sons, his grandchildren, that he doesn’t even know and I am doing amazing things that most Dads would be proud of. And I always thought that, someday, I would finally do enough to grab the attention of the stranger who is supposed to be my Dad. I always thought that I needed that to be free and to get my heart back into place. But you know, all I have been doing is running circles around yesterday’s dreams while tomorrow’s nightmares are free to evolve. It is time for me to get on with my life and not stay stuck. Because I realize that I spin my wheels trying to find someone who can make it all better for me, but the only person who can really make this all better is the person least likely to even try, so it is time for me to just make it better for myself and let go of the string that holds the balloon of hope and watch it float away out of sight.