So many thoughts going through my head that I am finding it difficult to post anything on Facebook. It’s hard to post the crap that is going on in your life when it is big and there is so much of it being hurled at you all at once.
Suddenly I find myself facing breaking up with my “boyfriend”. That is very sad. It just isn’t going to work out. We just aren’t able to move beyond this together. I guess we just didn’t realize how much we didn’t have in common because for the first year, whenever we spent time together, it was just us… into each other and hanging out with each other all day on a Saturday or whatever. I always made sure the errands and things I had to do were all done before Saturday morning. It was an awesome year. I thought we were building a great foundation for a good future together. Especially since we went on date night every Thursday night and then Saturday morning to Sunday afternoon we hung out together… and we did that consistently for 18 months. It was actually perfect for a busy girl like me with a lot on my plate. I thought it was ideal. But that is all this is or ever will be. Trying to have him involved in my life seems to be a road block.
We have decided to go on our pre-planned Chicago trip in spite of everything and have a good time together. Which I am sure we will. We have decided to give it some time after that to see what happens. We have also determined that it is probably not going to work and that is sad for both of us.
I wish I could fully describe how I feel. I wish I understood it myself. This is not easy. Greg and I put 18 months of our lives into this and he tells me that there is a possibility he can be more open to the idea of really being with someone and really getting to know someone deeply and really loving someone. I think I just finally came to the conclusion that the possibility is still very slim. And I wouldn’t even care so much about that… let’s just take it day by day…. that’s perfectly fine with me. What does get to me is the fact that he is so freaking worried about this shit that he freaks himself out to the point where he forgets to be flirty. He forgets to sneak up behind me and push my hair aside while he lightly nibbles and kisses my neck…. and so on. His fear of a deep lasting relationship is paralyzing any possibilities of it.
We have had several long talks in the past couple weeks. The talks are good and we do well together in that regard. The conclusion is what is sad.