I still remember…

I still remember the first moment we met…
not knowing that it would be the first of many more
I still remember our first kiss
I still remember all the times you couldn’t resist me…
not knowing there would be a time when you couldn’t even touch me
I still remember our first overnight together and playing in the snow
I still remember our first Christmas ornament…
not knowing it would also be our last
I still remember spending the night in the freezing cold in the back of the truck
I still remember the first time you let me down…
not knowing that it would not be the last
I still remember dancing naked in the back yard
I still remember when you admitted I was your girlfriend…
not knowing what you really meant was girl friend
I still remember when we twirled in the pouring rain
I still remember our first anniversary…
not knowing it would be the last
I still remember believing in forever with you…
when I thought you had the same dream

21 Guns – Green Day

This seems very fitting…..

Do you know what’s worth fighting for
When it’s not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You’re in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I

When you’re at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn’t pass
Nothing’s ever built to last
You’re in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire?
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone

When it’s time to live and let die
And you can’t get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You’re in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I

Do You Ever Wonder – Blue October

I can’t even explain how strongly this song hits me right now

You must be broken by a thousand ways of wasted time
Get to the point then off the hundred lines awake
No need to change my mind, that clean a shade of thinking time
But i seem to think more than i act upon those things
And do you ever wonder
How hard you hit you broke my thunder
And do you ever wonder
A scar was sewn a drop of blood was saved for making wine
Still no repent on how you crumble when i shake
A mental jaw was used to pry me from this wrecking barn
But the sad details or the promises that i make
And do you ever wonder
How hard you hit you broke my thunder
And do you ever wonder
I’m cramped and crawling from under the dead and i
I’m sick of living without you in bed and i
I’ve made mistakes that i wrote, that i read but now i
Just can’t seem to be pre-occupied
But the heart was tossed with a black laced chain
And with these hands that i write with
and the ode that i live by you know i will never be with you
And do you ever wonder
How hard you hit you broke my thunder
And do you ever wonder
Cus God made this night for me
A silly devil in me talking
Romantic company for walking
Over and out
Over and out
But this year’s the year i write to be
That silly devil in me talking
Romantic company for walking
Over and out
Over and out
And do you ever wonder
How hard you hit you broke my thunder
And do you ever wonder
How hard you hit you broke my…
You broke my…
You broke my…
You broke my thunder

Another Fork In The Road

So many thoughts going through my head that I am finding it difficult to post anything on Facebook.  It’s hard to post the crap that is going on in your life when it is big and there is so much of it being hurled at you all at once.

Suddenly I find myself facing breaking up with my “boyfriend”.   That is very sad.  It just isn’t going to work out.  We just aren’t able to move beyond this together.    I guess we just didn’t realize how much we didn’t have in common because for the first year, whenever we spent time together, it was just us… into each other and hanging out with each  other all day on a Saturday or whatever.    I always made sure the errands and things I had to do were all done before Saturday morning.   It was an awesome year.  I thought we were building a great foundation for a good future together.  Especially since we went on date night every Thursday night and then Saturday morning to Sunday afternoon we hung out together… and we did that consistently for 18 months.  It was actually perfect for a busy girl like me with a lot on my plate.  I thought it was ideal.  But that is all this is or ever will be.  Trying to have him involved in my life seems to be a road block.

We have decided to go on our pre-planned Chicago trip  in spite of everything and have a good time together.  Which I am sure we will.  We have decided to give it some time after that to see what happens.  We have also determined that it is probably not going to work and that is sad for both of us.

I wish I could fully describe how I feel.  I wish I understood it myself.   This is not easy.  Greg and I put 18 months of our lives into this and he tells me that there is a possibility he can be more open to the idea of really being with someone and really getting to know someone deeply and really loving someone.    I think I just finally came to the conclusion that the possibility is still very slim.     And I wouldn’t even care so much about that… let’s just take it day by day…. that’s perfectly fine with me.  What does get to me is the fact that he is so freaking worried about this shit that he freaks himself out to the point where he forgets to be flirty.  He forgets to sneak up behind me and push my hair aside while he lightly nibbles and kisses my neck…. and so on.      His fear of a deep lasting relationship is paralyzing any possibilities of it.

We have had several long talks in the past couple weeks.  The talks are good and we do well together in that regard.  The conclusion is what is sad.


Counter Install

Well, it has been a month since our cabinets were installed and we have been all this time with no counters and more importantly NO SINK!  The cabinets took a hit on my budget and I needed this last month to recover and get some cash together for counters and sink and faucet and disposal.

Today, Joe from Artistic Countertops and Coatings, LLC came and made us some very nice concrete acrylic custom counters and they are beautiful!

No Surprise – Daughtry

Well here it is. Six months ago I was celebrating the first year anniversary with the man I thought I might spend the rest of my life with and today I am realizing that it just will not work. It is quite a shame. I heard this song on the radio today and it just seemed fitting.

I’ve practiced this for hours, gone round and round
And now I think that I’ve got it all down
And as I say it louder I love how it sounds
Cause I’m not taking the easy way out
Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn’t have to give a reason why

It’s no surprise I won’t be here tomorrow
I can’t believe that I stayed till today
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we’ll find this was no surprise

It came out like a river once I let it out
When I thought that I wouldn’t know how
Held onto it forever just pushing it down
Felt so good to let go of it now
Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn’t have to give a reason why

It’s no surprise I won’t be here tomorrow
I can’t believe that I stayed till today
There’s nothing here in this heart left to borrow
There’s nothing here in this soul left to say
Don’t be surprised when we hate this tomorrow
God know we tried to find an easier way
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we’ll find this was no surprise

Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that’s left your eyes
That’s why this comes as no, as no surprise

If I could see the future and how this plays out
I bet it’s better than where we are now
But after going through this, it’s easier to see the reason why

It’s no surprise I won’t be here tomorrow
I can’t believe that I stayed till today
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we’ll find this was no surprise

The kiss goodnight, it comes with me
Both wrong and right, our memories
The whispering before we sleep, just one more thing that you can’t keep
Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that’s left your eyes
But I know in time we’ll find this was no surprise