You know what I learned in the past 2 years? If it feels really crappy most of the time, then it probably is NOT as good as it seems some of the time. I need to always follow my instincts.
Category: Ponderings
Eight Great Years
Here I am at another anniversary of that important life-changing day 8 years ago. It is a good day and I continue to progress to the positive side of the spectrum. Thanks to all who have helped me along the way. Kisses and Hugs to all.
Purging
Things are in fast-forward mode, once again. I have a lot to do in a short period of time (my specialty, right?). It is one of those times, when everything is changing, and I am in high gear planning and implementing a goal. And it is during times like these that I tend to spend a lot of time, going over, in my mind, some important memories that led to this turning point, and I think of a lot of the important lessons that I have experienced in my life. And I spend a lot of time formulating plan A and plan B and trying to be sure that I think of everything in order to avoid surprises and setbacks. And sometimes, during these times, my thoughts become a whirlpool of memories and reminiscing as I pack all of my things into boxes and label each one and try to organize the non-replaceable memories separate from the replaceable things, and as I am doing this, I run across a scrap piece of paper with some notes scribbled on it, that would just be trash if it were not for the memory that comes clear in my head each time I look at that paper with the notes scribbled on it, and then I put it back in the same little drawer of my jewelry box where it has been for over five years now, and I think of that day that those notes were written and it reminds of the first year for my second son Lucas…kids are fun at that age when so much stuff is new to them.
This time, I am actually taking some time in my packing more than other moves. This time, I am taking some extra time to organize the stuff that I am keeping and get rid of a bunch of stuff that I have been keeping for way too long. I probably will not get rid of that scrap piece of paper just yet, and, of course, I am going to hang on to all of those journals that hold my thoughts, adventures and poetry for the past 20 years, but I AM getting rid of some of the junk that I have been accumulating and carrying with me since highschool, late teens, early twenties, mid twenties, and late twenties. I am getting rid of all the mix-matched furniture that I have accumulated all of these years from garage sales, hand-me-downs, dumpster dives, etc. I am getting rid of a bunch of stuff and leaving a bunch behind and I am actually wiping my hands of a lot more than I ever have before.
I feel as though I am suddenly on auto-pilot ever since the airplane landed in Florida a couple weeks ago and I realized that I needed to move closer to my family. I was suddenly swept away by a whirlwind of a different direction. After 17 years of running, and searching for something that I just would not believe could not exist, I have finally decided to give up on a hopeless dream and go home, and thanks to a recent series of events, my heart is beating stronger than ever before and I am not afraid and I am not weak and I am not burning any bridges this time and I am not leaving behind any unfinished business and I am dumping all of the crap that I have been sweeping under the rug for way too many years.
Winds Of Change
A lot of things are changing in my life and there have been an interesting sequence of events in the past week. The winds of change are finally blowing me away from the brick wall instead of into it. Amazing how on top of the world I suddenly feel.
Backtracking Again
“Panaflex Soloflex Genuflect Pope
What the world needs now is babies, guns and hope “
–Sheryl Crow
I love that song. I was listening to Sheryl Crow the last few days. I have not listened to her at all in many months. It seems that there are a lot of things that I have not done for many months. Listening to Sheryl Crow again I have realized that I need to back step a bit. I got on the wrong path. It seemed right and God knows it looked right to me, but then I came to the dead end sign. At least there was a sign. I did not have to travel the length of the road to find out. But I stood there for quite a while not believing the sign was real, but it was and it did not go away. So, I will back track a bit and look for the road that I am supposed to be on.
John Scheu Quote
As soon as we give fear a grip on our reality, that which we fear becomes our reality.
–John Scheu
Flaws In Our Species
My X is leaving for Kuwait on Monday. Most of you know that he and I are still good friends. I get sad about this whole mess of a world we live on. Time goes on, the wounds grow deeper, we trust our neighbor less, the ten commandments mean so little these days. Those of you who know me, know that I am not big on organized religion, but I do believe in morality and the idea of doing to others as you would have done to yourself.
Priorities often seem shifted. The other day, I came home from breakfast with Mark and my children and my street was flooded with cop cars and the cops all had rifles and these police officers were just running up and down my street, in front of my house with their rifles. It was a bit disturbing. Turns out the guy a couple houses away shot himself. This happened on my street where I live with my children. So much seems uncomfortable in our neighborhoods and in our schools and most of us are broke and the economy sucks, so we are out there killing eachother and stealing from eachother and screwing eachother over and many of us do not know our neighbors and would not say hello to a stranger on a street corner and countries are at war and the wounds keep getting bigger and the population grows as science discovers new ways to make us live longer and make more babies (conceived in a test tube in our Brave New World). What are we accomplishing? And what is our choice? And how do we change this? How do we get out of this tornado of distrust and lack of faith in people and an ever increasing population of creatures who were given the ability to think. With the ability to think comes differences of opinion. And the biggest flaw of our species seems to be that we often dislike or even hate others for no other reason than these differences. Centuries have gone by and this fact has not changed. All that has changed is our numbers, increasing the energy behind the hatred and the ability to inflict larger wounds. It was very cool when America seemed to suddenly gain a great deal of spirit after september 11th, but where is it now? Maybe it was us showing our teeth and flashing our colors. Was this spirit fueled mainly by anger and hate? When was the last time you said hello to a stranger on the street corner? I know there are many who can say it was just this week or even yesterday, but I would be curious to see the statistics of how many have a habit of walking by without as much as a smile. I mean, it has been over a year since September 11th and everyone is really busy trying to get by and deal with their own lives, right? We just do not have the time, right? And our country is in all of this debt and the poor get poorer. And eviction rates are at a record high (I read that today). Many people are incapable of finding work and struggle to feed their families. And we spend how much money each year trying to figure out ways to keep people alive longer?
Do we have a goal? Can we even get out of debt as a nation? Can we slow down for a second and realize we are on the same team? Can we stop being so greedy and selfish and prejudice before we completely do ourselves in?
Letting Go
There is a man I have known since the day I was born who I have shed many tears over. Someone who I long to have some affection and attention from. Someone who I believe should care about me and be interested in my life, but who is not. And I think that these tears over all these years are all wasted because he doesn’t know that I even cry for him. And the only way it seems to get on with my life is to forget him entirely because every interaction with him is only a reminder of the fact that he has never really seemed to have space in his life for me. However, in order to forget him entirely, I have to give up all hope that he will ever be there and I haven’t been able to do that just yet. In the past, whenever I was ready to just completely say goodbye forever, he would say or do something that would cause me to feel as though there is some hope. But the truth is, I am 32 years old, and my father will never really be a DAD and my father will never really know how many times he has broken my heart and how many tears have fallen for him. I remember, when I was a little girl, I waited in the window for hours for his car to come around the corner and pull into my driveway. And I knew he would come because he told me he would and Dads don’t lie. And when it was time for supper and he hadn’t arrived, my mom would tell me that he isn’t coming, but I didn’t believe it. But it was true and I cannot continue to be stuck sitting at the window waiting for those headlights to come around the corner. I need to get up and close the blinds and walk away. I have two wonderful sons, his grandchildren, that he doesn’t even know and I am doing amazing things that most Dads would be proud of. And I always thought that, someday, I would finally do enough to grab the attention of the stranger who is supposed to be my Dad. I always thought that I needed that to be free and to get my heart back into place. But you know, all I have been doing is running circles around yesterday’s dreams while tomorrow’s nightmares are free to evolve. It is time for me to get on with my life and not stay stuck. Because I realize that I spin my wheels trying to find someone who can make it all better for me, but the only person who can really make this all better is the person least likely to even try, so it is time for me to just make it better for myself and let go of the string that holds the balloon of hope and watch it float away out of sight.
3am
3:00am. Can’t sleep, so I took my dog, Charlie, out in the front yard and let him pee on his favorite tree and I looked at the sky and all the stars. I have always loved the sky and all the colors and the clouds and the stars and the sun and the moon and the birds. Pretty much all the stuff beyond the face of this planet. It seems so overpopulated and we spend so much money every year on research on how to prolong life and we spend so much money every year imprisoning those who willingly take lives. Sometimes I think it would be so cool to live back in the 1800s. All of that open land..all of that freedom to wander from place to place and no city lights to block out the beauty of the night sky.
Anniversary
Today is my seven year anniversary for a very important event in my life. Most of the people that I knew prior to October 18, 1995 are no longer around. Two people knew me through it all and remain a significant part of my life now. My Mom and I were not speaking then and I am glad that she did not see the worst of me and I am even more glad that she and I speak on a regular basis today and she has become a big part of my life. And then there are all of the friends that I have made since then, and all of you, who lurk here undetected, reading my thoughts on a regular basis, who do not really know where I came from seven years ago and how much my life changed beginning with October 18, 1995. That was the day that my whole world as I knew it came crashing down. That was the day that I believed I was going to lose everything including my son and my husband and myself. I thought all was lost and I was at the very bottom of the pit I had been creating and now I believed that they were just going to shovel the dirt on top of me. A big part of me did die that day, but it was the part that really needed to die. Now it has been seven years and I have to tell you it has been the best seven years. During the past seven years, I worked very hard to resolve the issues that I had been keeping inside and have defeated most of the daemons that were hiding behind the shadows of my mind. During the past seven years, I learned how to be a good mom and even had another son. During the past seven years, I went back to school and spent 5 years getting my bachelors degree in computer science. During the past seven years, I have worked very hard to crawl out of the rubble and stand on top of it instead of being buried under it. Today is a very good day. To all of you people that were negatively affected by my lack of consideration and caring prior to that day, I just really have to say how very, very sorry I am for it all. To those of you who believed in me enough to see me through it all, I just really have to say how thankful I am that you were there when I did not even deserve the unconditional support. To those of you that I have come to know in the last seven years, I just really have to say thank you because each one of you has given me some insight and some knowledge and some understanding and some way of looking at things that has helped shape me into the person I have come to be. I am not perfect by any means and I really do not think I want to be. Each day, though, I become more and more of the exact opposite of the person I was for the first 25 years of my life. And as bad as things were back then, that is how good things have become now. This is a good day. Keep it real. It is good to be alive.