9/11 – One Year Later

Last year, I used my television as my alarm clock and awoke on this day to see airplanes crashing into buildings. On my way to work, I listened to talk of terrorists. When I arrived to work we all watched up to the minute accounts of it all on the big screen. We all left work to be with family, friends or alone to deal with things in our own ways. The day was full of many emotions. Over the next days, weeks and months, I saw vehicles painted with American flags and other patriotic artistic representations. I heard talk of a nation united. As the sadness and fear of this country turned to hatred and anger, I realized that it was a nation united and a planet divided. Prejudism was rampant and we were all afraid. This morning I awoke and I thought of it all and I felt the tears forming in my eyes. These terrible acts of hatred that happened one year ago have jaded so many of us and chiseled away a large part of our belief in fairy tales and happy endings. Buildings were turned to dust and rubble and we each constructed our own tall, thick, solid walls around ourselves. We all say how strong we are as a nation and how united we have become and how we have learned to love our neighbors… we just do not trust them all. We are all human beings living on the same planet and unlike the terrorists, we hold life sacred, and when we stop doing that , we become like the terrorists. Someday, I hope that our planet will be as united as our nation.

This morning at work, we replaced our old flag with a new flag and all said the pledge of allegiance after a moment of silence. I have a hug for you. Even if you are far away, I hugged someone today that hugged someone that hugged you. And always hold on to the fairy tale fantasies of your childhood as tightly and intently as you possibly can.

Beginning To Fill The Emptiness

Today is a better day. I talked to Mark on the phone last night. He called from Iwakuni, Japan. He always has a way of helping me sort out my thoughts. I still slept on the couch last night because I really did not feel like being in my bed. I flipped the channels on the TV and watched a bunch of meaningless stuff. But I do feel a bit better today and I managed to throw on some clothes that compliment me, so I feel pretty good about that too.

I talked to Jacob’s teacher this morning and she says that he is doing great, so that is excellent news.

And my puppy thinks that I am super and tells me so every day when I get home.

It is ok to miss someone and, after a while, the longing will fade away and all that will be left are the fond memories to tuck away for a rainy day.

Huge Left Turn

Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I am in the middle of a huge left turn. Once I get completely through the turn, everything should be quite alright. There seems to be oil on the road and my wheels are spinning a bit, but I will get around this corner. I spent the entire day yesterday laying on the couch. I did not eat anything except a few spoonfulls of peanut butter. My friend, Janet, says that is what Sundays are for. I seem to lack the motivation again today as well. I miss my friend, but I have to move on. This is gonna be like quitting any addiction. I am going to just have to get past this withdrawl period and resist the urge to fall back. I did not expect this to be so hard. I hear the words of Robert Plant playing in my head “I can’t quit you babe, so I think I’ll put you down for a while”. The images in my mind are full of all the smiles and laughter of the recent past. But now I have to just move on.

Phase Shift

I am phase shifting pretty hard right now. Not sure which direction or what angle. Seems that certain things are canceling out and other things are becoming apparent. This time of year is often difficult. I feel like everything I want is just out of reach. It is like standing in the eye of a huge whirlwind. It swirls all around and I can see what is outside of it, but if I try to get to those things, I will be caught up in the wind and just swirl around in circles and get nowhere, so I stand here in the calm center waiting for the wind to die down so that I can make my move. It is a bit lonely in here, though. Wonder how long these heavy winds will last. Wonder if I could anchor myself somehow and reach through and grab hold of something or someone and pull myself through.

Broken Hearts

You know that I have been hanging out with someone who has his heart broken and, as a result, has become quite protective of it. Well, I am starting to wonder if it may be wise to run away as fast as I can. As long as he expects to be hurt again, he will always look for potential negative. As long as he is looking for the flaws, he will find flaws everywhere. How can I possibly be so perfect that he could ever relax a bit and quit worrying about heartbreak? I cannot. It is impossible for me to prove one way or another how my presense in his life could effect him, and I cannot guarantee the length of our adventure together. I cannot guarantee a single thing except that this feels right at this moment and how can we really know if it will be right or wrong tomorrow? The entire future is only comprised of a bunch of moments. This one, right now, is all I have to work with, and if I were to squander it by worrying about the next moment, then will I be happy when I look back… will I be fulfilled when i reach the end? So many people these days are walking around with broken hearts and empty hearts. It is like Night of The Living Dead on this planet.

Upcoming Birthday

Well, my birthday is coming on July 4th and for the first time in as far back as I can remember, I have no plans and the people who I normally spend the day with are not going to be here. Mark is in Guam. Janet is off on a business trip somewhere. My company just announced that there will not be a company party on the balcony. Last year I spent July 4th at my company party with Mark. It was nice because the balcony overlooks Tempe Lake where the fireworks go off. Maybe I should just pack a bag and head out of town with the boys. I just already feel very alone right now and being alone on my birthday may not be the best thing for me. This too will pass.

Winds Of Change

Life is changing on me again. I have so many decisions to make and so many choices in front of me. I do not think I will ever be the type of person who can just exist each day with a complete routine. I know someone who can, and I always thought that I needed to learn something from him. Actually, I learned a lot from him. Now the winds of change are blowing and I am a feather in the wind. Sometimes I get caught up in a light whirlwind and just go around in circles. Sometimes I float high for days on a steady current.


Hi AMY