Well, it is another Tuesday morning. Like most mornings, I spent an extra 54 minutes in bed enjoying the coziness of my covers and dreading the thought of getting up and getting dressed. My alarm clock goes off at 6:30 and I press snooze. It is an easy thing to do, and I do not even really have to wake up to do it because the snooze button happens to be the biggest button on my alarm clock. It does not take much to hit the thing. Then I curl back into my warm fuzzy blanket and begin to calculate how many 9 minute intervals I can afford and still make it to work on time. What is up with the 9 minute snooze anyway? Why 9? Why not 10? I find myself laying in bed sharpening my math skills every morning. I have gotten quite good at calculating time by multiples of 9 in my sleep and find myself finally getting out of bed at 7:24. It is a great way to sharpen my math skills in the morning. But why is it 9 minutes and why is that snooze button so darn big? I put my alarm clock on the other side of the room away from my bed thinking that if I had to actually get out from under my cozy covers it might help. However, the alarm goes off and I seem to have become quite skilled at bouncing out of bed, hitting the thing, calculating the next time it will go off, and being back under my covers all without really waking up.
Flaws In Our Species
My X is leaving for Kuwait on Monday. Most of you know that he and I are still good friends. I get sad about this whole mess of a world we live on. Time goes on, the wounds grow deeper, we trust our neighbor less, the ten commandments mean so little these days. Those of you who know me, know that I am not big on organized religion, but I do believe in morality and the idea of doing to others as you would have done to yourself.
Priorities often seem shifted. The other day, I came home from breakfast with Mark and my children and my street was flooded with cop cars and the cops all had rifles and these police officers were just running up and down my street, in front of my house with their rifles. It was a bit disturbing. Turns out the guy a couple houses away shot himself. This happened on my street where I live with my children. So much seems uncomfortable in our neighborhoods and in our schools and most of us are broke and the economy sucks, so we are out there killing eachother and stealing from eachother and screwing eachother over and many of us do not know our neighbors and would not say hello to a stranger on a street corner and countries are at war and the wounds keep getting bigger and the population grows as science discovers new ways to make us live longer and make more babies (conceived in a test tube in our Brave New World). What are we accomplishing? And what is our choice? And how do we change this? How do we get out of this tornado of distrust and lack of faith in people and an ever increasing population of creatures who were given the ability to think. With the ability to think comes differences of opinion. And the biggest flaw of our species seems to be that we often dislike or even hate others for no other reason than these differences. Centuries have gone by and this fact has not changed. All that has changed is our numbers, increasing the energy behind the hatred and the ability to inflict larger wounds. It was very cool when America seemed to suddenly gain a great deal of spirit after september 11th, but where is it now? Maybe it was us showing our teeth and flashing our colors. Was this spirit fueled mainly by anger and hate? When was the last time you said hello to a stranger on the street corner? I know there are many who can say it was just this week or even yesterday, but I would be curious to see the statistics of how many have a habit of walking by without as much as a smile. I mean, it has been over a year since September 11th and everyone is really busy trying to get by and deal with their own lives, right? We just do not have the time, right? And our country is in all of this debt and the poor get poorer. And eviction rates are at a record high (I read that today). Many people are incapable of finding work and struggle to feed their families. And we spend how much money each year trying to figure out ways to keep people alive longer?
Do we have a goal? Can we even get out of debt as a nation? Can we slow down for a second and realize we are on the same team? Can we stop being so greedy and selfish and prejudice before we completely do ourselves in?
Walking With Charlie
It has been a few months since my dog, Charlie, and I went on a long walk together. We go to the circle K up the street sometimes and we walk around the block. But, tonight, I decided to go on a long walk. We were gone for 2 hours and it was great. We practiced some commands and Charlie is really doing well. He is such a good dog. Downtown, there are a bunch of statues of people and animals. Charlie took quite an interest in many of them and let out a growl. We met a man who was sitting at a park bench and stopped to talk to him for a while. We looked in all the shop windows and discovered some new shops that were not there the last time we walked and some others that were going out of business. I have always loved walking on Main Street in Anytown, USA. There seems to be something about it that is nostalgic to me. I remember when I lived in Escondido, CA. I loved walking down there. It was small, but it was so nice to walk late at night when the shops were closed, or on a Saturday when the street fair was happening, or early in the evening when the French Restaurant was still open and I would go there for coffee and french desert. I love the atmosphere on a small town Main Street. The moon was beautiful tonight and the air was perfect. I have been stuck at a skip in the record lately, but I think it is time for me to reorganize the things that are really important.
Where Is The Wind?
My reality has become a hopeless dream
And I feel lost and alone
Find me a place that’s as real as it seems
I need a river that flows
Can I hitch a ride on your boat
Can you take me to the open sea
Will it sink or will it float?
Can we get where I want to be?
I ask for direction and look for the way
But nothing seems to be clear
The fog is thick and the wind calls my name
Which way do I need to steer?
Can you set sail for somewhere
Please take me along.
The winds of fate can guide us there
To the tune of the ocean song.
I wander alone out here each day
While you wander through my space.
Won’t you please just take me away?
Take me to a new place.
Cheryl!
Age 32
Home Anniversary
Today is the one year anniversary from the day I purchased my house. A lot has been done in this past year on the renovation of my house and much more is yet to come this year. This is an exciting day!!!
All I Really Want – Alanis Morissette
Do I stress you out My sweater is on backwards and inside out And you say how appropriate I don't want to dissect everything today I don't mean to pick you apart you see But I can't help it There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off Slap me with a splintered ruler And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already If only I could hunt the hunter And all I really want is some patience A way to calm the angry voice And all I really want is deliverance Do I wear you out You must wonder why I'm so relentless and all strung out I'm consumed by the chill of solitary I'm like Estella I like to reel it in and then spit it out I'm frustrated by your apathy And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land If only I could meet the Maker And I am fascinated by the spiritual man I am humbled by his humble nature What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate Someone else to catch this drift And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute Enough about you, let's talk about life for a while The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses Falling all around...all around Why are you so petrified of silence Here can you handle this? Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines Or when you think you're gonna die Or did you long for the next distraction And all I need now is intellectual intercourse A soul to dig the hole much deeper And I have no concept of time other than it is flying If only I could kill the killer All I really want is some peace man a place to find a common ground And all I really want is a wavelength All I really want is some comfort A way to get my hands untied And all I really want is some justice...
Christmas Tree Expedition
Yesterday, Karl and I and the boys and our dog, Charlie, all went up to Northern Arizona to find a christmas tree. I received a permit to cut down a tree and the spot that I was assigned to do this was just a bit south of Winslow. We headed up in the morning and got there about 12:30 or so. It was raining and it was muddy. My truck got almost completely covered in mud which was pretty cool. We all got pretty muddy as well. Charlie seemed to really love being in the woods and having the freedom to sniff and run around. We hiked around in the mud and rain for about 4 hours, then returned to the truck to have some hot cocoa and get warmed up and then we continued to look for a tree. We finally found a suitable tree and cut it down and loaded it into the truck. Then we headed for flagstaff for some supper and warmth and relaxation and then headed home. Today, we decorated the tree and I put some snowy stuff in the front windows with some christmas window applications. It’s beginning to look a lot like christmas. Yippie!!
Getting Ready For Thanksgiving
Well, Thanksgiving is quickly approaching. I finally have a stove and that is good. My kitchen is almost finished, but at least I have a stove to cook the big meal on Thursday. My X-husband and his girlfriend and his daughter are arriving today and staying through friday and we are going to have quite a feast of turkey and green bean casserole and yams and pumpkin pie and mashed potatos and whatever else I end up cooking. Plus, of course, plenty of beverages of both adult kind and kid kind. Thanksgiving is so great. It is a day of family and friends and being thankful. As always, we will start the meal with a nice grace.
My friend, Halcyon, is hosting a virtual grace at 9:30am eastern time and 12:30pm Pacific time at www.digitalintimacy.com/grace/ Be sure to check it out. There is a nice documentary about the gift of giving at http://giftingit.com/ be sure to check that out too.
I wish all of you a wonderful Thanksgiving. Thanks for visiting my site so frequently and reading my thoughts. You are all wonderful.
Letting Go
There is a man I have known since the day I was born who I have shed many tears over. Someone who I long to have some affection and attention from. Someone who I believe should care about me and be interested in my life, but who is not. And I think that these tears over all these years are all wasted because he doesn’t know that I even cry for him. And the only way it seems to get on with my life is to forget him entirely because every interaction with him is only a reminder of the fact that he has never really seemed to have space in his life for me. However, in order to forget him entirely, I have to give up all hope that he will ever be there and I haven’t been able to do that just yet. In the past, whenever I was ready to just completely say goodbye forever, he would say or do something that would cause me to feel as though there is some hope. But the truth is, I am 32 years old, and my father will never really be a DAD and my father will never really know how many times he has broken my heart and how many tears have fallen for him. I remember, when I was a little girl, I waited in the window for hours for his car to come around the corner and pull into my driveway. And I knew he would come because he told me he would and Dads don’t lie. And when it was time for supper and he hadn’t arrived, my mom would tell me that he isn’t coming, but I didn’t believe it. But it was true and I cannot continue to be stuck sitting at the window waiting for those headlights to come around the corner. I need to get up and close the blinds and walk away. I have two wonderful sons, his grandchildren, that he doesn’t even know and I am doing amazing things that most Dads would be proud of. And I always thought that, someday, I would finally do enough to grab the attention of the stranger who is supposed to be my Dad. I always thought that I needed that to be free and to get my heart back into place. But you know, all I have been doing is running circles around yesterday’s dreams while tomorrow’s nightmares are free to evolve. It is time for me to get on with my life and not stay stuck. Because I realize that I spin my wheels trying to find someone who can make it all better for me, but the only person who can really make this all better is the person least likely to even try, so it is time for me to just make it better for myself and let go of the string that holds the balloon of hope and watch it float away out of sight.
Tool – Phoenix AZ
Another great Tool concert! This is the third one I have been too and I am never let down.
